When the subject of cheating in a marriage relationship surfaces, the mind automatically goes to a spouse who has gone outside the home and had sexual relations with someone they were not married to. If someone were to say, “Bob cheated on Shirley,” the scenario just described is probably the one you immediately imagine. But what about when Bob doesn’t leave the home? What about when Bob is sitting in his recliner with his wife in the next room, looking at pornography on his phone? This situation is very real. The Barna Group reports, “Pornography use is common. It is estimated that 51% of all Americans—men and women, all generations—seek out porn at least occasionally,” (qtd. in Covenant Eyes 10). As I type these words, I specifically know of two, married, Christian men who have asked for help in overcoming their pornography addiction. It’s great when people ask for help, especially when it involves a sin as personal and humiliating as pornography. Unfortunately, the wife suffers the most in such cases. In some cases the roles are reversed and the husband is the one left hurting. What is the spouse to do? If this immoral behavior persists, the hurt spouse might start asking whether or not they have a right to divorce their husband/wife for sexual immorality as Jesus stated in Matthew 19:9. After all, Jesus turned up the heat when He said, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” (Matthew 5:28). Does the combo of these two verses mean that a spouse can divorce their partner for committing adultery of the heart (i.e., pornography)? This is the golden question for today.
The Question
Within the last year, the question has been asked to me by three separate individuals, “Can a wife scripturally divorce her husband for adultery of the heart (i.e., pornography)?” Only one of those individuals was actually married to a husband who had an unrepentant addiction to pornography. I am led to understand that there are Christians who have divorced their spouse for adultery of the heart, pornography specifically, and there are Christians who espouse this conclusion which comes from reading Matthew 5:28 and 19:9 together. Unfortunately, there is very little written or said in address to this specific question. I have never heard a preacher address adultery of the heart when preaching about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Perhaps the question wasn’t actually being asked until more recently. Perhaps few have an actual answer to the question. One place you can go for an answer is Google. A quick Google search will unearth a popular article by Luke Gilkerson, contributing writer for the popular anti-porn software company Covenant Eyes. Gilkerson uses lots of scripture and interplays with the Greek word used in Matthew 19:9 to provide an appealing case that, yes, a wife can divorce her husband who is unrepentant in his addiction to pornography. I have read Gilkerson’s article several times since it was brought to my attention last year. He makes some compelling points along the way, but in the end, I cannot agree with his conclusion. I will not analyze his article here, but I will indirectly respond to some of the arguments he uses and explain why championing that divorce on the grounds of pornography is scriptural creates more difficulties than it solves.
2 Reasons Pornography Is NOT Scriptural Grounds for Divorce
For the remainder of this article, I will reason from the scriptures and logic to explain why I do not believe pornography is a scriptural reason for divorce.
1. Where is the Line?
There is a logical dilemma created when we come to the conclusion that a spouse looking at pornography constitutes grounds for divorce based on the fact that he/she has committed adultery of the heart. Here is the dilemma. When a husband has sexual relations with another woman just one time, this is adultery and grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:9). Some may argue that a single offense does not qualify as meeting the conditions of Matthew 19:9. If someone holds the latter position, that person is holding to a fabricated opinion. What Jesus said was, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery…” (Matthew 19:9). What Jesus DIDN’T say was, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for habitual and unrepentant sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” No, Jesus didn’t say that. I repeat myself, if a husband has sexual relations with another woman just one time, this is adultery and grounds for divorce. Now, if we are to be consistent, we must use the same rule when considering different forms of sexual immorality. Jesus said “sexual immorality” (porneia) was the scriptural exception for divorce, and sexual immorality incorporates a number of sexual sins. Having sexual relations with an animal is sexual immorality. Homosexuality is sexual immorality. Polygamy is sexual immorality. Necrophilia, having sexual relations with dead carcasses, is sexual immorality. Committing any one of these sexual sins even one time creates scriptural grounds for divorce. But what about pornography? The law of consistency would require us to conclude that a husband or wife who looks at pornography a singular time has committed sexual immorality and has created a scriptural cause for divorce. For that matter, a husband or wife who looks with lust at a woman/man on the street a singular time has committed sexual immorality and created a scriptural cause for divorce. If this is the case, I dare say that there are any marriages in this land with an innocent spouse in the relationship. In his article, Gilkerson tries his best hand at linguistic and mental gymnastics, attempting to prove that a spouse who looks at pornography habitually and unrepentantly can be scripturally divorced on the grounds of Matthew 19:9. In order to get there, he says, “In the New Testament, the term porneia (the word translated “sexual immorality” in Matt. 19:9) sometimes implies not just isolated acts of sexual immorality but habitual immorality and an attitude of lasciviousness (Romans 1:29; Galatians 5:19; Colossians 3:5; Revelation 2:21).” Drawing the conclusion that the references to sexual immorality in the supplied verses are describing habitual sin does not negate that they also include isolated acts, which is explicitly stated in the statement. Finally, Gilkerson realizes a line has to drawn in the sand somewhere. There must be some way to measure when the offending spouse has reached that point of habitual, unrepentant indulgence in pornography. Thus, he appeals to an algorithm created by author Vicki Tiede to help wives examine their husband’s hearts based on their behavior.
I did not make this up. This is real stuff. This inspired algorithm is supposed to give wives confidence in knowing that their husband has officially committed pornographic sexual immorality qualifying for divorce. I’m giving a crude summary of the algorithm and logic Gilkerson uses, but please go read his article, and you will find that it doesn’t get any better than what I have laid out. But these are the lengths you must go to in order to draw the conclusion that pornography is a scriptural grounds for divorce, all the while trying to protect the spouse who looks at pornography a singular time or who lusts after the hunk on the sidewalk a singular time. This creates so many unanswerable questions, namely, at what point does adultery of the heart become grounds for divorce? When it’s hard porn? When it’s pedophilic porn? When it’s porn in general? When it’s a repeated offense? When it’s a repeated offense and the spouse refuses to repent? A sticky mess is created by this position, and the integrity of God’s word is slighted.
2. Porneia: the Nitty Gritty
Maybe you thought the last point was the nitty gritty, but now I want to briefly examine the Greek word for fornication or sexual immorality: the word porneia. Porneia is the word Jesus used in Matthew 19:9 when He said that sexual immorality was the only lawful exception for a man divorcing his wife. For what it’s worth, porneia is not the word Jesus used in Matthew 5:28 when He said that looking after a woman to lust after her qualifies as adultery (moicheia) of the heart. Regardless, the question becomes, what is porneia? I propose to you the following conclusion: whenever porneia is used in the New Testament, with the possible exception of Revelation, the Greek word is always used to denote a physically immoral, sexual act. Here are all the verse references for the New Testament: Matt. 5:32; 15:19; 19:9; Mk. 7:21; Jn. 8:41; Acts 15:20,29; 21:25; Rom. 1:29; 1 Cor. 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 2 Cor. 12:21; Gal. 5:19; Eph. 5:3; Col. 3:5; 1 Thess. 4:3; Rev. 2:21; 9:21; 14:8; 17:2,4; 18:3; 19:2. It’s never used to describe lust of the heart as in Matthew 5:28. In fact, porneia is even distinguished from evil thoughts of the heart, lewdness, and passions in the following verses:
Matthew 15:19 “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications (porneia), thefts, false witness, blasphemies.”
Galatians 5:19 “Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication (porneia), uncleanness, lewdness…”
Colossians 3:5 “Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication (porneia), uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”
In the above verses, pornography would fit best inside the sins of evil thoughts/desires, lewdness, and passions. The fact that these are listed alongside but unique from porneia tells me that the conclusion is true: whenever porneia is used in the New Testament, it always denotes a physically, immoral, sexual act. To be even more specific, I believe that whenever a husband or wife engages in any activity involving physically touching the sexual organs of someone other than their spouse, they have committed porneia (sexual immorality) and this is scriptural grounds for divorce based on Matthew 19:9.
What About the Wife?
What about the wife who is married to the husband addicted to porn? I name the wife as the victim in this scenario, not because women and wives do not also end up addicted to porn, but generally, it is more common for husbands to be the perpetrators of this sin and the wives suffer emotionally as a result. Here are a few things I believe with all my heart that you as a suffering spouse need to do if and when you discover your husband has a problem with pornography; this is assuming both spouses are Christians of course.
A. Require that your husband tell a brother in the church who can and will help him with his porn problem. You as the wife are not in a position to help your husband with the mental addiction of this sexual sin. If you are the one keeping him accountable, then every time he sins, you will suffer emotionally over and over. Besides, your husband does not want to hurt you emotionally by telling you when he has sinned. It will be easier for him to be transparent with another Christian man, and it will keep you from having to experience the same emotional cycle over and over.
B. Go to the leaders of the church if your husband refuses to seek help or refuses to be honest with the person keeping him accountable. I do not believe that you have the right to divorce your husband for this sin, but I do believe the church has a responsibility to you (the wife), your husband (the sinner), and God Almighty to take the scriptural disciplinary measures as appropriate. When Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5:9, “But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person,” I believe he is talking about withdrawing fellowship from anyone that unrepentantly commits any of the immoral sins listed or anything like them (i.e., such a person). An even more relevant passage is Matthew 18:15-20 where Jesus lays out the guidelines for discipling a brother in the church who sins personally against another brother/sister. What more personal sin could one commit against another than for a Christian spouse to unrepentantly persist in the sin and habit of pornography consumption? Such a one is to be taken before the church and then regarded as a heathen and tax collector if he remains unrepentant (v. 17). The husband who continues unashamedly in the sin of pornography must be disciplined by the church by breaking fellowship with him. This is done in obedience to the command of God and out of an act of love for the brother, so that he may learn not to walk in sin (1 Cor. 5:5). For more on this subject, watch the following YouTube sermon by myself, Aaron Battey: How to Treat a Christian Who Is Out of Fellowship.
C. Seek the emotional support of a trusted Christian of the same sex, and seek professional counseling if needed. It is a heavy burden for a wife who has a husband who unrepentantly persists in the sin of pornography. I believe with all my heart that there is no authority in scripture for divorcing this type of husband on this grounds, but I also don’t believe that we should just look at it as, “It is what it is. He’s a man.” Boundaries need to be set. If he persists, I have a clean conscience recommending to a Christian wife to give the husband an ultimatum that he must get real help, real accountability, and put in place real measures to destroy this habit, and until then, he is not welcome to live in the house. Such a wife needs the full backing of the local church leadership. With that said, she also needs to be faithful to take her husband back if/when he does repent and asks for forgiveness. If I am wrong on this recommendation, please respond in the comments or by email.
Difficult Questions
Someone recently asked me, “What if my spouse is having video sex with someone else over the phone/computer?” This is a seemingly tricky question since Jesus wasn’t talking to people with iPads and video chatrooms in the 1st century, but after thinking about this question long and hard, I believe there is no fundamental difference between two people having video sex and two people sleeping together. Both of these scenarios involve a physically immoral, sexual act with another reciprocating individual. This whole discussion is enough to make a person blush, and while it is disgusting to think such acts of immorality really go on, they do.
Conclusion
Pornography has destroyed many marriages and will continue to destroy many more. My heart goes out to all those affected by this sin. It is extremely addictive and difficult to overcome. With that said, it can be overcome. I write from experience. With that said, I don’t have personal experience being married to someone with this addiction, but I have seen others in that position. I have seen others endure that struggle gracefully, patiently, trusting in God. Often, the person entrenched in this sin doesn’t want to be there anymore than their spouse, but they are too ashamed to ask for help. Not asking for help is really a pride issue: giving up dignity, control, and privacy. It is a battle won whenever that person falls to their knees and does whatever it takes to defeat the sin. If by chance you are married to someone who refuses to do that, please consider the three steps toward the end of this article. I hope this answers a question that has received little attention, and I hope this gives answers and hope to spouses out there who feel like they are in a never-ending nightmare. Finally, if there are any questions or concerns about anything written in this study, please reach out. May God bless you.
Works Cited
Covenant Eyes. Porn and Your Husband, 2021
Comments
I am so tired of these. You can’t get a divorce because you find their is no grounds for it. What is the other spouse supposed to do when the other refuses to change? He is committing a sin that is demeaning me and shows no love in it. He then expects more sexual acts that I am not comfortable with. My solution is nothing? Just stay in a marriage where there is no love. Pray for them. Prayer can only go so far. The person must want to change. And I have prayed. I have offered solutions, counseling, talking to several pastors. You all act like this is no big deal. I guess my option is stay alive feeling complete and utter hate for myself. I love the man I am with but I have spent 14 years of feeling not good enough, not young enough. I am tired. This has caused me severe depression. You don’t stop and think how much mental damage this is causing the other….but by all means stay together because we can’t commit this ultimate sin. I’m sorry but I would rather ask for forgiveness for this sin then stay with someone not willing to change to better our marriage. I have been committed it is he who has not.
Author
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. You are not the first person to comment on this article and express being in a confounded state due to your unfaithful and rebellious husband. I’m sorry that the pastors you have conversed with in the past have acted like your situation is “no big deal.” Please don’t cast your experience with them on to me. I believe this is a very big deal. I’m not sure if you read the whole article. From your comment, it sounds like you did not. I talk about the need for taking disciplinary action as the church on a brother (or sister) who rebelliously persists in this sin. Please read this comment that I wrote in response to another woman on this comment thread. I would submit this same response to you. “I am very sorry to hear this. It disturbs me to hear accounts such as yours. Not that I’m unaware they happen, but that there is a sinner who persists in his ways and refuses to repent. Do you go to church anywhere? Does your church practice church discipline? As my article made note, I believe situations like yours are disciplinary issues. Matthew 18:15-20 talks about when one brother (or sister) sins against another personally and what to do in that circumstance. I don’t know what more personal offense one could commit against another than when one Christian sins against their spouse by unrepentantly living in the sin of pornography consumption. If you have church leaders, this is the time to tell them about this situation (assuming your husband is also a Christian). They should follow Matthew 18:15-20, and if he refuses to hear the brethren and the church, this man needs withdrawn from and regarded as a heathen and tax collector (v. 17). Time for playing games is past. It’s time for action. If he truly repents, sets up real accountability and transparency, and takes real measures to squelch his pornography habit, then I believe you, as a Christian wife, need to work with him. Until that time, if it ever comes, you have to set boundaries. Leaving him with no boundaries is not helping him or you. If that boundary is, “You can’t live in this house until you quit lusting after other women,” then that’s it. However, if your husband is not a Christian, then you need to read 1 Cor. 7:13-16. I pray that you are delivered from this circumstance, and may God bless you.”
I do realize the mental damage that living in a marriage like this without setting any boundaries or disciplinary action being taken can cause. I am not suggestion that you just continue to live with your husband as is and “deal with it.” If you assume this from reading my article or this reply, you are misrepresenting me. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt; I don’t believe you are trying to do this. I believe you are very distraught and at your wit’s end. Please consider the things I am conveying to you. But also understand, we must be careful in understanding what the will of the Lord is (Eph. 5:17), and we cannot respond on emotion and gut feeling. Just because the world will divorce over this issue and 1,000 others, and there is some pragmatic rationale for the decision to divorce because of porn, the question is, “Does God permit this in His word? Is this the will of the Lord? What does His word say?” That is the spirit of this article. I hope this helps in some way.
I understand your argument in the article, but can’t help but disagree. You are comparing porn use to just looking at someone with lust, but I feel like the distinctive difference is that when a person is viewing porn, they are almost always using it to achieve a sexual release. That definitely puts it on a different and more physical level then just lusting after someone in passing.
My husband has been involved in porn for years. I didn’t realize how serious until 25 years ago. It is har porn and his addictions has cause me great pain and hurt.
He has broken me mentally and physically. Only one time did he seek help. He can lie with such sincerity, I believe him.
I am not wanting to divorce him but I don’t want to be in the same home with him. I don’t know what to do. I spend most of my days asking God for guidance. To please show me a way. I want peace in my home.
There is so much more I could say but it truly wears me out!!!
Author
I am very sorry to hear this. It disturbs me to hear accounts such as yours. Not that I’m unaware they happen, but that there is a sinner who persists in his ways and refuses to repent. Do you go to church anywhere? Does your church practice church discipline? As my article made note, I believe situations like yours are disciplinary issues. Matthew 18:15-20 talks about when one brother (or sister) sins against another personally and what to do in that circumstance. I don’t know what more personal offense one could commit against another than when one Christian sins against their spouse by unrepentantly living in the sin of pornography consumption. If you have church leaders, this is the time to tell them about this situation (assuming your husband is also a Christian). They should follow Matthew 18:15-20, and if he refuses to hear the brethren and the church, this man needs withdrawn from and regarded as a heathen and tax collector (v. 17). Time for playing games is past. It’s time for action. If he truly repents, sets up real accountability and transparency, and takes real measures to squelch his pornography habit, then I believe you, as a Christian wife, need to work with him. Until that time, if it ever comes, you have to set boundaries. Leaving him with no boundaries is not helping him or you. If that boundary is, “You can’t live in this house until you quit lusting after other women,” then that’s it. However, if your husband is not a Christian, then you need to read 1 Cor. 7:13-16. I pray that you are delivered from this circumstance, and may God bless you.
Hello.
Thank you for your explanation in this article you wrote. I am currently going through the “struggle” of this with my husband and I found myself constantly going back and forth in my head and heart trying to figure out what to do.
My husband was watching porn behind my back and flirting with other women for 8 months. I could feel that something was off and I would confront him multiple times about it, but was always told that he wasn’t doing those things. When I finally confronted him again about flirting with a woman in front of my face a few times, all the truth of everything came out. I separated from him for a week and received lots of compassion for him while I was letting the Lord heal me from the news.
After the week, I went back home and my husband made lots of changes. I saw genuine improvement in him, and it lasted about 2 months. After those 2 months, he watched pornography a few times again and admitted it. I felt hurt again, but this time much more angry and “fed up”. I was aching to just be divorced because I did not want to go through these emotions again.
After reading your article, a lot of what you had to say made a ton of sense. And I feel more settled in my heart and mind to not immediately be like, “I’m done and I want out of this relationship.” I have asked my husband if he has done to video chatting with a woman before and he claims he has not so I am hoping for the best that this is true.
Thank you so much for grounding me with this article during this season. I greatly appreciate it beyond my words.
– Heather Austin
Author
Heather, I am sorry that you also find yourself in this situation. I am glad you found help from this article. I will pray for you and your husband. The most important thing to identify with any sinner, which includes ourselves, is whether or not they have a heart and fruit of repentance. Breaking a sinful and deep rooted habit like this doesn’t happen overnight. I speak from experience. At one time in my youth, I was addicted to pornography and I found my way out, but it took time, accountability, and the grace of God. It didn’t happen overnight. I pray that your husband makes the hard decisions to be transparent to get out of this sin and you have the patience. God bless you.
For 20 years I have watched my husband go further and further down the porn rabbit hole, these men end up searching for more depraved scenes to get their dopamine hit, after bestiality, rape and torture scenes no longer fulfill them statistics show they usually end up having emotional or physical affairs with real women. I firmly believe that any husband who is secretly masturbating while watching sex trafficked drugged up little girls is committing the divorce-able SIN of adultery and is sexually immortal. The young girls and women who are being watched simultaneously by other perverted men around the world often commit suicide or attempt suicide. Up to 33% according to studies. Any man, especially a supposed Christian man that supports this industry is committing a great evil sin against Gods daughters, no wife should ever be compelled to stay in a marriage with such a man, a man who has brought untold and unimaginable pain, suffering and destruction to his wife and marriage. If masturbating to pornography is not a sin worthy of divorce then I don’t know what is. I feel sorry for the wives who you told “I do not believe that you have the right to divorce your husband for this sin”.
Author
I ask politely, did you read the article? And if so, did you finish it? I agree that the consumption of pornography is a grave sin, and many of the damages afflicted upon women caught up in the sex trafficking and porn industry is atrocious. Fight the New Drug is a research aggregating website that offers much helpful and verifiable research based information on the porn industry and its affects on men and women. Out of pure interest, I would like to see the studies that report 33% suicide rate of women in the porn industry. This is indeed a terrible sin with terrible consequences. With that said, you did not interact with the scriptures at any point in your comment. This article and the associated podcast episode set out to investigate if pornography is included in the exception for divorce that Jesus gave in Matthew 19:9 when He said divorce was not allowed except for “porneia.” This article is not about answering the question, “Is unrepentant porn consumption a terrible sin?” The article assumes that it is. And at the end of the article there is a scriptural resolution given for the wives of spouses who continue in unrepentant porn consumption. Here is a brief excerpt from that resolution offered:
“An even more relevant passage is Matthew 18:15-20 where Jesus lays out the guidelines for discipling a brother in the church who sins personally against another brother/sister. What more personal sin could one commit against another than for a Christian spouse to unrepentantly persist in the sin and habit of pornography consumption? Such a one is to be taken before the church and then regarded as a heathen and tax collector if he remains unrepentant (v. 17). The husband who continues unashamedly in the sin of pornography must be disciplined by the church by breaking fellowship with him. This is done in obedience to the command of God and out of an act of love for the brother, so that he may learn not to walk in sin (1 Cor. 5:5).”
I appreciate the fact that you are disturbed by spouses that greatly harm the marriage relationship by their persistent and unrepentant pursuit of sexual gratification through visual images. This is certainly terrible. As to what constitutes grounds for divorce for “porneia,” please read the whole article and listen to the attached podcast episode if you are sincerely interested. Thank you.
Can you please give me your opinion on my situation? I have read your article in its entirety 2 times. So here it goes. My husband is not a Christian. He is agnostic. We’ve been married for 27 years. Unknown to me he has been doing porn since college. Had I known I would have never married him. I saved myself for him. I found out that he has been doing porn the entire time. He then began watching gay porn. And now because of his addiction, he has ED. He has cut me off from sex for 3 years. He doesn’t touch me nor emotionally supports me. I feel so rejected. He won’t go to counseling, is unrepentant and and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. What should I do? Thanks.
Author
I am sorry you are going through this. No wife should have to endure what you described. What your husband is doing is disgusting and despicable. I say that to validate what you are feeling. It sounds like you need to understand and implement boundaries with your husband. He will never change his behavior unless you show him that he has to step inside some kind of boundaries to continue his relationship with you as it is. “Boundaries” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud is the book I would recommend you read. If it were me, I would kick him out of the house until he met the terms to seek real help for his behavior and get his head on straight. I realize you may not have the ability to do that financially. Whether or not you work affects many women’s ability to carry out such measures. Since he is not a Christian, the things I said at the end of my article about church discipline do not apply. I don’t believe you need to or have to just sit idly by and let him emotionally abuse you and sin against y’alls marriage in this way. You asked for my opinion. That’s my opinion.
My husband watches pornography. He is agnostic so he doesn’t feel need to repent. After we got married he quit his job and said he can’t work due to depression and anxiety. He refuses to go to psychiatrist for this. He also refuses marriage counseling because every person he has tried to see he thinks is crazy and he doesn’t like them.
He is a narcissist and gaslights me all the time.
Author
I am very sorry you are going through this.